TOTALLY FUCKED UP - A RANT

TOTALLY FUCKED UP

Well Heddi, I came home from work last night absolutely ravenous. I was hungry all night. I took a wonderful salad with me plus some carrots and low fat munchies. Didn't matter I was starving !!

So I came home at 12:45am and devoured a bowl of goulash (leftover from the kids supper that I made them before going to work) 1 piece of WW bread with margarine. By this time I'm thinking fuck it I've already fallen off the fucking wagon so then got a glass of milk with 4 oreos.

After this I was so depressed that I blew it that I was seriously trying to figure out how I could avoid you with all the WW stuff. Then it happened.........

Instead of feeling comforted and warm and fuzzy like I have MY WHOLE LIFE WHEN I EAT A MEAL RIGHT BEFORE BED !!!!! I started to feel intense cramps and my stomach was making noises I have never heard of before. I considered going to the bathroom and forcing myself to throw up......then I thought ya right I don't even want to go there !!! So at around 1:10am, I settled into bed in agony for the next 75 minutes waiting for my "comfort food" to digest !!!

So.... 75 minutes is a lot of time to think. I picked up the phone to call Ward, as he usually is someone I enjoy talking to. Stupidly, I tried to "start" to tell a "man" how I was feeling about what I had just done.So, I guess he thought (like men usually do) that I wanted him to fix it because he all of a sudden became my weight loss counsellor and was telling me what to do and not do. I believe it was at the point of him saying "if you really want this....you're going to have to make better choices" WELL.....let's just say it wasn't pretty ....it started off with who do you think you are? My father? (for anyone reading this who doesn't know.....growing up my father used to torment me relentlessly daily about my weight usually until I was in tears and running up to my room, where I would then seek comfort in the hidden chocolate bars there) So comparing him to my father was pretty low but he got the point !! There was some more ranting which included things like.......I could teach a nutrition and weight loss class.....I have been through this all my life I KNOW what to do and not to do !!! If it were THAT FUCKING EASY I WOULD NOT BE FAT!!!! It's like adopting the slogan from the drug education....Just don't do it......well that doesn't work for drug addicts....duh because they are addicted......and saying "JUST DON'T EAT IT" doesn't work for me because there is more than the knowledge of health and nutrition here......it's feelings and dealing with all the bullshit years that I went through with my dad growing up. So needless to say I will not discuss my weight loss journey with Ward anymore. He was VERY apologetic and felt very bad.

Then after I hung up from Ward, still feeling like shit, I realized something. Remember when I had the Chinese food for mother's day? I suffered like hell for it because of the deep fried food? Well since then I have not craved or been even tempted to eat Chinese food. :) So, I then thought.....this is the first time that I actually had a meal before bed (like I always used to) and now because my stomach is used to smaller amounts and healthier foods, my stomach reacted in a VERY bad way. The last thing I felt was comfort. I felt pain and discomfort and real guilt.

This is not an experience I would want to repeat.

So, even though this was a complete fuck up......I learned from it plus because of my body's reaction I think it will deter me from craving that "comfort fix" before bed. Especially now knowing how much pain I went through. In the short 5-6 weeks that I have been following WW my body HAS changed. It now prefers smaller meals, and I now know the signs that I am getting satisfied and stop eating. Before the feeling of FULL used to be comforting and it was the feeling I aimed for each time I sat down to eat - now I find that feeling VERY uncomfortable. My stomach not only prefers smaller meals but healthier meals - I find I now have a low tolerance to fried foods and foods high in sugar (was REALLY dizzy last night after the 4 oreos)

So I guess this morning I woke up and I thought WHATEVER !!! So you fucked up !!! that was last night - it's over !!! I have been working hard to change my eating habits and my life in the past 6 weeks - that's apx 1000 hours of "good" choices......so in ONE hour I made some bad ones. Hmmmmm Oh Well !!! I'm sticking with the 1000 hours of good choices :) and live:

ONE DAY AT A TIME WITH ZERO GUILT AND JUST KEEP MOVING ON !!!!!

I suppose if I counted last night, I had 4 points left for the night plus I had already used 19 flex points this week.........

So the bowl of goulash (9pts) piece of bread (2 pts) margarine (1pt) milk (2pts) 4 oreos (6 pts)

= 20 pts for my fuck up So I had 4 pts left for the night so that's down to 16 points ....... WOW that puts my flex points exactly at 35 !!!

Today is a new day full of brand new opportunities :)

(pssst before I would have already thrown in the towel.....do ya think that shows that I'm changing on the inside too??)

Love ya

Kaffi